Why is it so easy for people to hit your heart, but it's just not as easy when they get up and leave your heart with a hole in it? My school tells me a heart is the strong muscle which pumps blood throughout your body. It is a hollow muscle, about the size and shape of a fist. It is actually made up of two separate pumps. It is called an involuntary muscle because it works without you ever having to think about it working. But my friends tell me the heart is the focus of feelings and intuitions. So how can it be both? How can my heart keep me alive but also be what makes me love? Don't you think thats a little dangerous? So if you got your heart broken does that mean you would die?! (lets not get carried away now...) But, yeah, when i was younger i alway thought that i could just forget about love, ya' know? Just hide under a rock and never hear anything about love. But now that im older I find that a lot of thing in the world are about love. Music, art, books, blogs, conversations. just a lot of things. I find it harder and harder to just ignore this.
So i decided that i'd take the time to sort it through here on my blog.
So, heres my storie for today. When I was little I experienced two crushes in the whole 12 years I was alive. Not many. I remember hearing my friend talk about crushes' and dating all the time, but I just never payed attention. I always took those types of conversations as a waste of time. I still do to this day. I just look at it differently now. But I almost think I cursed my self now because so far anyone Ive taken interests in don't take an interest in me. It has affected my opinion of my self. It has forced me too look at this love situation. It makes me wonder why. Am I not lovable? Of course I am! for my theory in life is everyone in the world has someone even if just one person that will love them. so then why am I mocked at? why do people make fake love notes tell me about them and make me run for them? Si that in the end I could realize I was willing to go through a lot more just to see the name in the note? Or just so in the end I could feel pitiful for chasing after that note, like a dog chasing a mirage of water in the desert? Is that why? To make me mad? To beat me down? Why? Why must I be taunted like this? I don't like the love game, I don't like having to ask my friend to ask the guy i like questions for me so he doesn't know it was me. I don't like it. Is that why? My next question is why does it bother me so much? why does it get under my skin so much? why is it becoming my achilles heel? Or is it just cuz of my age, because im a teenager? It could be. Ahh im ranting AGAIN! see? This stuff makes me rant! And you know what? this whole situation is making me pretty ballsy (for those who don't know what that mean look it up.) You know what? i feel left out. I don't want some boyfriend for a week or a month. I want something that will be hard to obtain, something that will be like a flower made from crystal. fragile, beautiful, worth the chase. But how long will I wait? How can I wait? Just with the thought of how it'll be worth it in the end? But what if it isn't? What if it ends up in a dead end? what happens if im just left gasping for air in the end like a fish out of water? Am I willing to take the risk? I am. I want to feel the rush, have the good memories to fill space in my mind. I want to feel the pain if it ever comes. I want to play dodge ball. I want to take risks. I'm tired of being on the side watching how to play the game. I want to be pushed into the game. I want to get hit with a ball. to only try again. I want to feel the love. But in the end I feel silly. for wanting a boyfriend for wanting to hold someone hand. I feel stupid for wanting something so animalistic. But at the same time I feel like I can't judge it until i experienced it just once. I want to be in a lab running tests. but i want to be able to go home and have someone to ask me how my day was. It's a simple want, right? But I don't want some body around just to ask me how my day was I want something different. someone who pays as much attention to me as i do to them some one who will stand up for me respect me but want to walk with me. be with me, tell me that my music election sucks and suggest other artists to me. I want that. I don't know what it is. I think it's what you call love. but I am not sure.
Is it? I don't actually expect you all to understand what im say or even to have read this whole post, i don't even expect you to care. But, I... I... am only questioning all this because of this kid. this kid Yeah call it what you want. but... It's left me speechless, I cant even finish my series of thoughts. but honestly i want more action than I do words. I want silence with so much meaning in it, it couldn't be redone, recorded, or replayed. So i have been wondering if this person has ever read my blog do they read it? have they ever read it? I don't know but if they do i wonder if they know who i am. I bet they don't. ima go back and scratch out their name. or maybe replace it with something else. but in the end im left wondering. i could spent hours just typing what im thinking, writing my thought on to my virtual diary, for all to read with all my bad grammar and run on sentences. but I have to sleep some time (sadly.) so i think i'll just leave it at this. for now...
Hearts, they are confusing.
(sorry!)
